After a while of going to church, I had found another church that I thought understood the bible more accurately. I questioned the pastor at my church about these things and he thought I was nuts. But the more I looked at what the bible said to what these folks taught, the more I realized I wanted to join the other church. So I did. It was so new and interesting, all my plans to build a business got put on hold and I became a student of the bible and history. I took another job cooking and eventually took on a secondary job cooking as well.
I took church very seriously and quit smoking drugs. I also began to see my past life as not some unfortunate events for which I got caught, but rather I felt ashamed about everything I had done in my earlier life. I despised what I had done ad decided to try and live my life as good as possible. If I had an opportunity to help someone out I went out of my way to be of assistance. I was becoming a leader in the church and a role model for those around me. It was such a different way of living for me. I used to get people kissing my ass cause they feared me or they wanted to join our crew, but this was different. People actually began to like me and respect me. People would come to me looking for some inspiration. This made me feel uneasy, after all I was a criminal, drug user, and user of people for most of my life. I had people tell me I was wise! I did not feel wise and told them so. But I had never felt better in my life. I could sense my change. People who did not know who I was before would never have guessed of all the evil I had done. And when I did tell people about it they never really believed me.
During the next three years, I settled down and began dating one of the ladies from the church. I had bought a car and was doing quit well. I had more stability now than I had ever had before. The thought of going back into the criminal realm seemed like an impossibility. After all I had changed completely and was a different man now. After dating for a while, we decided that we were not for each other and broke it off. The problem was that we had to see each other on a continual basis. It was not pretty. We would say rude things to each other, and play like we were just kidding. After this went on for a year, I knew I had to put a stop to this, so I approached her and apologized and asked her to call a truce. She agreed and church became pleasant once again. But this had caused a rift between myself and all our other church friends. I did not feel comfortable any more. I began to find myself feeling like the odd man out. I did not feel like I belonged any more. So I quit going to church.
Just before I stopped going to church I had gotten a job working in the oilfield. This paid me tremendously well. In fact I had never made this kind of money legally before, I began to feel like everything was going to be ok from this point forward. I had escaped working the kitchens and the construction sites. I felt I had found the way to go. But soon after I began working in the oilfield, I realized that it wasn't all rosy. It was more like a feast or famine. Either I was working and making a killing, or I was laid off and struggling. Soon after quitting church I had been laid off and I started another job with phantom screens. But this paid me half as much and I had to travel farther. After working there for a year, I got laid off and found work back in the oilfield, to my relief. Work became routine, and I was making much more money than I needed. I had run into an old friend that I used to party with. Well one thing led to another and I was using coke again. I got paid weekly so I would hang out with her on weekends and get high. Well this eventually led to me going overboard with the coke until I had got complacent with it and my landlord found out about the drugs. That was it for my place. He kicked me out. Soon after I got kicked out I got laid off from work. So now I was homeless and without work. I immediately began looking for work but could find none. I could not make my credit card payments nor my car payments. I was able to borrow money to get by on for a few months, but nothing was panning out for me. The stress caused me to use drugs more. I seemed to be stuck in a never ending circle. Depression soon took me over again. I began seriously contemplating suicide. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the fact that my mom was still alive and I knew it would break her heart. Plus I had another dear friend help me through this time. She is very special to me, and I would like to thank her here for her kindness and patience with myself during this time. She really helped me get through it. I really am appreciative of my mother as well. She was a good lady with a big heart. She has since died and I miss her very much so. So now I was homeless and without work. I had to feed myself. I tried temp agencies and a few other jobs but they all seemed to fall through. I was getting desperate. I had to figure something out! I needed to do something!
Join me next time where I get back into the game and see my old world with my new eyes!
Until next time friends. May you forever grow and Learn.
Yours truly, The Constant Learner.
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